At The Movies With Angry Gorilla

don'tgointothehouseI ran across the movie, Don’t Go In The House, from 1979 by chance, and the title reminded me of my niece once saying, “Guys, I have a question.  Don’t go outside.”  While I realize that is not a question, the advice , is sound.  (At least in the film it is, I have no idea what the out of doors situation was like to cause my niece such great concern.)

Like all of you, I admire a movie where a man catches on fire straight away;  great, now I am hungry again.  Anyway, as the movie progresses to the next scene, I start to get a very familiar feeling…it reminds me of another film, but I can’t quite put my hairy, yet remarkably useful finger on it…a young man who lives with his abusive, overbearing, religious mother…a bed and breakfast of some sort is coming to mind…one word title…Patholigist…Pediatrician…Sociopath…anyone?  I give up.

So, the young man, Donald finds his mother dead in the house and takes it…badly.  This is displayed by a zoom in on his face, which is making a series of ugly expressions, not unlike someone eating a piece of bad fish or getting a whiff of  a one and a half star motel room in Oklahoma.

Donald does what anyone would do in his troubling position, he pretends she is just asleep and demands that she drink her tea.  At this point, the tea thing is not happening and that is when the random voices say he is free and he can do whatever he likes.  Obviously, he plays his disco music super loud and jumps on the furniture and smokes and fucks up some Precious Moments figurines real bad.

The figurines are clearly the last straw and Donald starts to hear his dead mother’s voice too-so he checks on her- yup, still dead.  Now, things start to get weird and he sees flashbacks of his mother abusing him, you know, like holding his little arms over huge flames on the stove (gas, obviously), but in all fairness, she did warn him not to run and/or yell inside the house.

At this point, Donald is still hearing the voices, which is very distracting while driving and separating the whites from darks on laundry day.  Okay, so now he spots a woman at a plant/flower shop and the shop is closed, but he begs her to just sell him something simple for his sick (dead, so really sick)  mother and she does, reluctantly.

Now, plant lady has missed her bus and wide-eyed, Donald offers her a ride.   After plant lady accepts, he suggests stopping by his house to drop off the flowers to his mother.  Again, she hesitantly agrees.  This can only be a mistake. (Dogs know it.)  He eventually gets her to come inside to say hi to his mother, who undoubtedly, will be unable to have much to say back.

The plant lady starts wandering around the house,  seeing strange, but typical, dead/abusive/mother/awkward/disconcerting/delusional/son stuff.   It is now clear that Donald has a problem with using inside voices, as he yells and makes plant lady jump,  “Mother must be upstairs!!’

Big surprise, she’s not upstairs, and something really bad happens, but let’s not spoil it.  (You’re chained to the ceiling, naked-go!)  I won’t say why, but it is apparent at this juncture, that Donald has some mild to moderate fire abuse issues and his friend at work, Bill (who looks a bit like Bill Pullman) speculates on this very matter.

By this time, Donald (who I am just now noticing looks remarkably like Bill Bixby) has found his thing (giving unsuspected, stranded women a ride and then setting them on fire, maybe).  It is, at this moment, abundantly clear to me that, Don’t Go Into The House should have been called, Don’t Need/Take A ride From Some Guy That Looks Like Bill Bixby.

Donald (Donaldbill)’s friend from work (Pullman look alike, Billbill) tells him that if he is not at work Monday, he is out of a job.  Donaldbill assures Billbill he will show up (as soon as he is finished punishing his dead mother, by burning a bunch of random broads, like his head voice friends want; he does not mention that part to Billbill).

Now Donaldbill  has decided he needs some order around here, and instructs the crispy, not living dames to “Stop laughing!” This should not be too difficult because nothing is particularly funny and no good shows are on and they are dead.  Midway through, I pretty much have the gist of this movie (hears voices, flame broils dames, mom laughs, I get it) and just want it to end.

However, apparently, Donaldbill has also grown a bit weary of his routine and decides to call his only friend from work, Billbill to hang out.  Billbill says he has an even better idea and that they should go to a disco because he has “Two live ones.” (I can only assume he means two women who are not dead, which admittedly, would be a refreshing change for Donaldbill.)

Billbill advises Donaldbill to look snazzy for the disco date, so Donaldbill picks out a fancy new disco suit, and now we are cooking! (No offense burnt dead ladies.)

Once at the disco, there is a bit of snap dancing happening, but Donaldbill does not want to snap dance, so his date snap dances with some other dude and Donaldbill promptly sets her hair on fire with a candle (so, presumably, no second date for them).

Anyway, after lots of screaming, Donaldbill runs off and drives away and picks up more women, blah blah, fire, blah blah, voices, blah blah…zzzzzzzz…

Basically, this is just a movie about a motherboy, who burns women to a crisp big time and also enjoys disco music sometimes, but definitely not snap dancing of any kind, standing in front of a dead mother, with an apparent predilection for Precious Moments figurines, who won’t drink her tea, wanting to be loved.

I’m giving this movie one angry thumb up because I have yet to figure out how to make my thumb go down, however, I assure you, it is the angriest thumb of all.  Get off my back.  Now, who wants S’mores?


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