At The Movies With Angry Gorilla


X Y & Z


I’ll be honest, I started at least three different films, each encompassing various elements of the appealing variety (magical hot babysitters, rape and write mean and unflattering notes Dennis Quaid, drunk screamy Patty Duke married to William Shatner acting, etc.), but when I started a movie that opened with a crazy 1970’s Liz Taylor playing ping-pong with Michael Caine, I was hooked.  The film that I settled upon is from 1972 and titled, XY & Zee (which makes sense because Liz’s character is called Zee and the other people in the movie have letters in their names).

As I mentioned, the opening scene is a ping-pong battle shot in fancy slow-motion and stuff.  So, who will win?  We should know in seven hours.   Luckily, the film switches to regular-motion and the game wraps up, but to be fair, I would have watched Liz/Caine slow-motion ping-pong for eight hours.  I don’t have a lot going on right now.    Spoiler: Liz (Zee) wins.  and then there is some chasty…? And goosing…? (Look, I could not quite make out what my notes said.  Also, it may have been my grocery list.)

Now they are at a party and everyone is drunk.  It is obvious, at this party, that Caine (X) is some kind of a sculpture expert, and he bigtime digs broads.  He spots a woman (Y, I presume) whom he fancies and casually asks if she needs a bodyguard because that is a really smooth thing to ask a stranger at a party.  Caine (X) then asks if she (Y) is a lady of leisure and if he is well dressed. He might be autistic.  Liz (Zee) comments that the woman (Y) looks like a bag of bones, which reminds me, I need holiday cards.

Now they are playing pool, but mysteriously, still talking about ping-pong and steak dinners.  I seemed to have jotted down “Prone to weeping if anything nice happens” on a piece of paper, but that could just be my notes from tap dancing therapy.   So anyway, Cainex asks the womany out in front of Lizzee, his wife.  Did I mention they are married?  They are married.

The womany agrees to dinner with Cainex and they talk about having two times to fall in love, one is true and one is false and something about cabbage I think and they do the sex and Cainex wants an egg and then he leaves.

Cainex returns back to the house he shares with Lizzee to find her blaring what I have written down as either fundly or funky music.  It’s probably fundly.   Lizzee yells to Cainex, who is clearly getting all gussied up to go out, “You can’t go at it every night.” To which Cainex replies, “Why don’t you take a lover?”  I am no scientist, but this relationship seems moderately fucked.

I won’t go into detail, but surprisingly (not at all surprising.  Dogs know it), circumstances result in Lizzee, Cainex, and Womany having a romantic dinner at home together.  Should be fine.  It’s not fine.  Lizzee promptly instructs Cainex to “Make the ladies a martini, Boobie” and then Cainex  shouts to Lizzee, “Wouldn’t you like to chew on a bone or a piece of gristle or something?”  Obviously, this is an invite for the three of them to go out to dinner instead.

The three of them go out to dinner, but Cainex leaves in a huff and the two women are left alone to exchange stories which result in a series of flashing to each of their faces while they repeatedly shout, “NO YOU!  NO YOU!” while hysterically cackling.  Guys, it was weird and now I feel like someone slipped them some acid or overcooked their meats.

Also, it is indicated at some point that Womany is actually a repressed lesbian and she likes to eat things.  I mean steak.   So, the lesbian dinner fades out and back at home, Cainex wants to go over bills, but Lizzee wants to ride horses and wear fun hats so Cainex ties her up with a belt and then they do it.  I mean sex.

Some other things happen and Womany is scared of crazy Lizzee so Cainex and Womany go on a trip together to get away from Lizzee. Cainex returns from the Womany sexy trip to find Lizzee packing his things, telling him to leave and also, “She’ll get fat once she has a man; I’ve seen her eat, you know.”

Now suddenly Cainex is looking for a place to live with Womany.  This apartment search is immediately followed by the weirdest pre- divorce conversation between Cainex and Lizzee, complete with porno music in the background.  Then Lizzee slits her wrists in the tub and she bleeds a lot and ruins the bathroom for people.

Womany goes to visit Lizzee in the hospital and then she talks about her dead husband and his slow cancer to cheer her up.  Meanwhile, Cainex is making out with his secretary all of a sudden in his office building and Womany tells Lizzee that she was expelled from school for making out with a nun really bad.

Now Lizzee is out of the hospital and goes to see Womany at her new place that she shares with Cainex and they bang while Cainex is off bonking his secretary(Q?).  Cainex returns to find Lizzee at his new place and Womany naked in their bed and then Lizzee says, “Come on daddy, baby wants something to eat.  It’s been a hell of a day” and then they hug and it is over.

I am giving it one angry thumb up for the heavily implied ladynun on lady and actual happening wife on mistress action and because I love steak meats and playing that fundly music.

angrythumbs up




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